When should I have kids?

I am almost 29, divorced, and I have an amazing daughter whom I adopted but have not yet given birth to any children of my own. We are taught in church to wait until marriage to have children (or to even practice making babies for that matter) and I completely agree that this would lead to the best family life, stability, values for children…ideally. However, life is not always ideal. What do you do if you are my age and not married? What if I’ve already had a failed marriage and I’m glad I didn’t bring new life into that mess? The pastor generally doesn’t tell you what to do in these situations although I’m sure the answers could be found somewhere in the bible. Sure, many women of the bible were told to wait for the gifts of God, but the days of women conceiving at the age of 130 are pretty much gone.

I have always loved babies and children growing up. I love the idea that I can have such an amazing impact in someone’s life. I am pretty confident in my ability to raise respectful, disciplined, loving little minds. I have been ready to have children my entire adult life, I just was never in the right situation. I didn’t have much luck dating in high school so my temptation to have sex at an early age was relatively low (although even I had to say “no” a few times). I was one of the smart kids, but with my acne and being extremely shy I was definitely not in the popular crowd. My grandma took me to church most of my childhood that I can remember until she passed away the year I graduated so I do try to live my life as a Christian woman, though I am undoubtedly a sinner, aren’t we all? 

I was fairly innocent growing up until my mom married my step-father when I was 10 or 11 and I suddenly had older siblings to influence my experiences. As a teenager I babysat for my sister a lot after she had my nephew. She was 19 when he was born and still in the partying phase of life that some people never really grow out of. She had people over drinking frequently and she still smoked pot on occasion, even with my nephew in the house. She would leave pornographic videos playing at her parties and as a curious teenager I watched them, of course. It was either that or go to bed with my nephew, and as a child who had never experienced the partying, drinking side of life, I tried to hang with the big kids. I didn’t drink much with them though; I was thankfully smart in that way. I probably tasted a few things here and there, but I took my responsibilities of caring for my nephew seriously and even cleaned the house on occasion. 

After surviving high school with no type of sexual relationship to speak of I went off to college and lived with my sister, who by this time was married and had twins in addition to my nephew. In the year that I lived with her she had divorced and dated a couple of friends she had lost touch with and somewhere in the process of meeting her friends she had lost touch with, I lost my V-card just after I turned 18. We never really dated but the occasional meetings went on for a couple of months before I ended that purely physical relationship. Things couldn’t have ended up well anyways, I eventually found out he had six kids with six different women and I really didn’t think it was a good idea to be the seventh. I really kept to myself for about a year or so after that, but I did get my first dinner date with a guy I let crash on my couch while he was working close by. Completely platonic, I think, but it was nice to go on a date. 

I met my first real boyfriend, though not a good one, through my older brother (step-brother if you are trying to follow along). After I moved out of my sister’s, I started hanging out with my family back home on my weekends off. We spent a lot of time at this tiny bar in the country that had karaoke on the weekends and my first BF was part of the crowd. He was a farmer who lived with his parents, which didn’t bother me as much as it probably should have. I just figured he was taking it over once his parents were done, why move out, right? Apparently, I was a little young and naïve, but it was fun while it lasted. After about six months I got sick of hearing about all the other women he was seeing while I was away and called him on it. He just needed a break to deal with some family issues…done, over, whatever. Another situation that probably would not have ended well if I had stayed.

Next was the big kahuna, the one I married. 

My ex-husband is the brother of my best friend from high school and I met him the summer after that last six-month incident. He was funny and sweet, humble and caring…for about the first two years. I could probably write a book on my six-year marriage, but I’ll save that for another day. In short, he was too much of a child himself to be a good, dependable father to a child. My ex was a liar and a manipulator, though he did have his good moments as all manipulators do. We did try to conceive a few times the first year we were married with no luck.

I think someone up above planned it that way.

I don’t remember when we were first presented with the opportunity to adopt my cousin, but it was almost a year from starting the process that her father was unsuccessful in keeping her out of foster care and we were able to accept her into our home. I thought in the beginning of the process that my ex would want her as much as I did but following adoption day, my mindset had changed. After everything that I had worked at to bring my daughter into our home, I decided I would raise her by myself if I had to, but I had to have that little girl. My ex had a stroke due to prior medical complications 10 days after we adopted, and our relationship fell apart from there. I left him two years after we adopted and, though I dealt with a lot of emotions at the time, have no regrets now looking back. 

I am currently in a relationship with the most amazing man I could ever hope to find. He is kind, hard-working, responsible, and most importantly treats me and my daughter very well. I couldn’t have imagined my life this way just barely a year after my divorce. I feel extremely blessed and spoiled and don’t know how I could be happier in this moment. We have both been married and divorced, though his marriage was a lot shorter than mine. I feel like we are sort of in the same place in our lives, just in-sync with each other. He is 32 and I will be 29 next month. We have talked about marriage and I know it will happen someday in the near future. We have talked about children off and on and we both want at least two; I want more but we’ll see how it goes. 

Feeling the pressure of the ‘how long should I wait’ question, we had the conversation two months ago about stopping my birth control. We talked about it a few different times that month and I couldn’t help but feel like I should just go for it. I’m not a teenager, I’m almost thirty; I’ve already been through a marriage so the idea of waiting for marriage is sort of out the window; I am financially stable, with or without my significant other; I own my own home and I have been doing it successfully for four years now; I’ve already gone through college; I just feel ready. When is it okay to plan a pregnancy?

I don’t have all the answers, but at my age and in my situation, why wait? I have known women in my life who did wait; for the right time, the money, the house, the job, to finish school, a career; and they ended up with cancer or another medical condition which made it difficult or impossible to conceive. It is tragic to want to bring life into the world and not be able to, and then to watch the world as so many parents don’t want their kids or get pregnant by accident when they aren’t ready. But I’m ready. I am so ready that it makes me sad when others are pregnant and I’m not.

That being said, I am pregnant with my first little bundle of joy, and I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t expect that my cycle would be regular right away after I stopped taking the pill because I have always had irregularity, but it was, and things connected the first month. I am a little nervous because I can’t help but think about all the things that could go wrong. Since I have waited so long, and wanted this for so long, maybe it’s too good to be true. Trying to stay positive though! I have my first nurse visit next week and the doctor visit two weeks later. I am ecstatic for the new experiences and the change to build on to my little family. I still don’t know when the best time is to plan a pregnancy, but I’m playing this one by heart. I know that my pastor would frown upon my situation, but he’s just doing his job to the best of his ability, right? I am more confident in the direction of this relationship that any one preceding it, and I really feel like we are ready for this. 

I could be wrong, I could always be wrong, but I think that every situation is different. I don’t think teenagers should be planning pregnancies until after marriage. At that point in your life things are unpredictable and unstable. I don’t think that teenagers are ready for marriage and I don’t think it is the ideal time for children. Even after marriage, planning to conceive is a matter of the heart. Those strong feelings that you get, or the one thing that you just can’t help but think about, lead you in the right direction. Sure, sometimes life still turns out messy, but there is a plan for your life. You can take advice from others, but you still have to really think about what feels right for yourself and your family. 

We all just live in the world and do the best we can with the past experiences and wisdom that we have been given. Everybody experiences the world differently, so nobody knows exactly where your heart is except you. If this is a decision that you have put a lot of thought into and you really feel like you are following your heart, nobody is going to change a woman’s mind anyways, right?

If I am speaking to you today, leave a comment with your own experiences or what topics I should cover next. Let me know how I am doing. Sign up to receive tips and updates from me, I would love to hear from you!
Sincerely, Katie Ann

#dontwait #oneontheway #babybump #sincerelykatieann